Capture My Moment: Thought

, by MiMunty

Self Appreciation - SSEAYP Conference 2021

Sejak akhir tahun lalu, cukup berat buat seorang Munty yang ambis nya setengah-setengah hahaha memepertanyakan ulang tiap keputusan yang udah di ambil. Made decision-nyesel-bersyukur gitu terus untuk semua hal. Memepertanyakan ke-eksistensian diri sendiri -apakah orang-orang sekitar menyayangi gue? Kenapa plan gue ga berjalan sebagai mesti nya?- Ditambah tahun ini lebih banyak di rumah. Lebih sering contemplasi yang berujung nyalahin diri sendiri terus (self wortless).

Terus belajar untuk respect ke diri sendiri, ternyata ga semudah itu. Ikut webinar self-development, tapi kok ya merasa gini-gini aja. Ga ada perubahan. Setelah dilihat lagi kebelakang, ternyata gue yang kemarin masih terpaku dengan masu lalu. Belum mengikhlaskan & merelakan. Masih berangan-angan gimana kalau skripsi gue udah kelar? Gimana kalau kemarin gue ambil tawaran kerja di company A atau B? Gimana kalau romantisme gue dan dia masih berlanjut, dsb. Sampai akhirnya gue bertemu dititik yang membuat gue sadar, kalau semua angan-angan itu ga berarti. Gue sampai di titik, "enough. Get up! You are the sun. Dont let anything eclipse you!"

Mulai menata hidup gue lagi, mulai nulis skripsi lagi, mulai belajar untuk mengendalikan emosi lagi, mulai ikut kegiatan online a-z. Tapi kepercayaan diri terhadap diri gue sendiri belum balik 100% gue selalu meragukan kemampuan diri gue. Sampai akhirnya, Ko Brian ngasih tau kalau SSEAYP open application untuk virtual conference. Akhirnya daftar, itupun baru apply beberapa jam sebelum penutupan karena kelupaan & ga yakin terus tiap mau daftar. Selesai daftar coba buat lupain, karena ga mau berharap. Walaupun udah pura-pura lupa, tapi inget aja ya tgl pengumuman. Tapi ga ada di hubungi. Yaudahlah ya ikhlasin. Eh tiba2 malam nya dapat notif jadwal untuk interview! Happyyyyyyyy!!

Karena gue paham inggris gue pas-pasan di speaking apalagi interview gini. Gue banyak berlatih di cermin. And ta-daaaaa: tetap nervous pas hari H. Kamar gue yang ga dingin, tiba2 dingin kek di kutub sampai bikin gue menggigil. Padahal kakak-kakak panitia nya ramah bangeeeet! Pertanyaan yang paling gue inget dan bodoh saat menjawabnya adalah: "kalau kamu panitia seleksi, apakah kamu akan menerima diri kamu sebagai peserta conference sseayp?" mati ga lo? Lo yang lagi ga percaya sama kemampuan diri lo sendiri ditanya hal kayak gitu!! Otak gue langsung otomatis, "yah gue salah jawab ya tadi?", "gue kelihatan ga menguasi materi yang mau gue ambil ya?", "duh gimana dong?" , dsb. Lalu mulut gue refleks jawab: "saya yakin selama sisa waktu yang ada hingga sseayp berlangsung, saya bisa belajar dengan baik." trus Mas Ivan (yang interview, ketua sseayp) bilang: "Munty, pertanyaan nya kalau kamu panitia, kamu terima diri kamu kah?" trus gue merasa bego banget, kenapa jawabnya gitu? Trus ada mas2 lain (lupa namanya) gatau senyum-senyum atau ketawa, bikin makin minder, karena ngerasa itu kayak ejekkan buat gue. Akhirnya ragu2, gue jawab iya -gue yakin, mereka denger jawaban gue pasti pelan pake banget- lalu ditanyalah, alasannya apa gue menerima diri gue, dan gue jabarkan a-z jawaban gue sebelumnya mengenai candidate seperti apa yang harus terpilih diikuti dengan pengalaman-pengalaman gue yang relevan dengan jawaban sebelumnya.

Long story short, mas2 moderator (lupa namanya, iya yang gue inget Mas Ivan sama Mba Pia doang😭) nanya ada yang mau gue tanya ga. Gue jawab engga, soalnya nervous banget cuyyyyy. Pengen cepat-cepat kelar. Trus gue nyeletuk, yang apply & lolos tahap interview ada berapa banyak ya Mas? Semua yang on camera di room itu senyum dongggg😭. Mas moderator nya cuma bilang: Cukup banyak dan kamu hebat bisa lolos ke tahap interview ini. Saran dari saya, coba kamu untuk lebih percaya sama diri sendiri ya. Lebih confident. Kalau kamu ga percaya sama diri sendiri, gimana kami panitia percaya sama kamu? Do your best!

Asli ya, itu tuh menohok banget gitu buat gueee huhuhu but thanks to you Mas!

Selesai interview, laporan lah gue ke kobri: ko, blablablala. Ujung-ujungnya wah kalau global company berat. Saingannya banyak tuh. Bikin down ga siiiiiihhhhhhhhhhhh. Intinya abis interview, gue coba ikhlasin lagi. Yaudah kalau memang ga lolos, coba lagi tahun depan. Masih ada waktu sampai terakhir usia 30. Kalau lolos Alhamdulillah. Lihat seberapa pesimis nya gue wkwkwkk tapi tetap, nunggu-nunggu jadwal pengumuman.

Waktu berlalu seminggu kemudian ke hari pengumuman. Pas hari H lupa wkwkwk tidur cepat lah ya karena capek. Bangun-bangun check HP, buat lihat jam (as always) wah ada 2 email. Wih ada dari sseayp. Pas klik deg2an, sambil ngomong "ngapain deg-degan sih, orang ga bakal lolos juga" Pas kebuka jreng jreeeeenggggggg:

Iyaaa ada nama gue, walaupun cadangan!! Sumpah happy banget! Akhirnya, setalah 7 tahun on-off on-off apply beragam kegiatan pertukaran pemuda, kali ini bisa lolos walaupun masih cadangan! Walaupun sseayp kali ini hanya online, ga akan terbang ke jepang lalu naik kapal legendary nippon maru untuk keliling ASEAN! But I'm still proud of myself! Karena semua itu ga mudah untuk gue, gue berdoa agar salah satu kandidat ada yang berhalangan hadir. Tapi disaat yang sama gue merasa bersalah dan mikir, emang ada ya yang mau ngelepasin kesempatan sekali seumur hidup ini? Lagi-lagi gue di suruh ikhlasin, kalau memang rejeki gue tahun ini, pasti ada jalannya. Gamau kayak munty kemarin-kemarin yang terlalu ambis, mikirin terusan-terusan tanpa percaya campur tangan Tuhan & semesta.

Intinya I already did my best, mau bisa join atau hanya sebagai cadangan aja itu urusan belakang. Yang penting udah coba, udah usaha dan ga akan nyesel! Sekarag tinggal berdoa aja. Special thanks untuk mas2 moderator yang ingetin gue untuk lebih confident lagi. Aku mau ucapin terima kasih langsung, kalau memang sampai dapat kesempatan join conference!!

Dari aku yang happy,

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, by MiMunty

Curhatan

Letter to My 2019

Dear 2019,

Hi its me, Munty! I just wanna to say thank you so much to 2019!! Thank you for all I have traveled through. So many things that I've learned, though there was so much pressure too. Many things that I've wept over, but many smiles have adorned my face afterwards. And just like the season changes, so do I. I've changed to be a better person, to lead me on another adventures.

The beginning of 2019 was my lowest point. I felt anxious about the future I planning for, I felt like what I was doing didn't match to what I had expected and wasn't accordance to what people around expected to me. Then I began to shut down myself with people for months, I do nothing other than worked & studied. I smiled when I met people, then I cried when I laid on my bed. Back at that time, I felt really tired, but I have to stay focus on my goals. Until one day I realize that I put so much pressure on myself. I'm not in love with my own self. I never appreciate what my self have been through and I always felt terribles because I couldn't do anything better than it should be.

Month by month was gone, I felt better. I started to eliminate my inner circle. I'm trying to control my emotional, my mood swings, learning about acceptance, trying to say 'no' to the things I don't wanna do. Attempted to learning how to refuse people's wish. It was a little bit hard, since I'm such a socialize person, but at least I try, dude. Even though, I still can't say no to the closest people. Day by day I felt better and better. I started to communicate with people I avoided before. And I felt like on the full fuel of energy. I felt so happy cause I can go back to the real me lol.

In the mid year, I have back the power of my socializes ability. I go on the trips by myself. I met a lot of new people. I have new friends when I visited Surabaya & Kuala Lumpur and we're still communicating. The new things I know about myself is I like to do solo travel. It quite nice to go to the new places by yourself, so you have to communicate with others. It will be different if you go on the trips with group. I really enjoyed it! (I'll write my trip on KL later).

People said that I really insensitive when there is a guy who interested with me. Still in the midle of year, finally I felt in love (again). He much older than me, he is good, he has daddy's figure on himself, I felt safe around him, I really interested with his thought, at that time I felt like I can rely on him. For the first in my life, I broke all the rules that I made. I was madly in love with him. Until I broken heart again. Thanks to Syifa & Kak Jeihan who patiently listening my complaints. But I really thank to him (if you read this), I learned so much from you, one of them is to learning expect nothing from something you can't control. And I realize he isn't broke my heart, my expectations did. I miss you and thank you so much Ko❤

Before I ended the year, I lost one of my family members. Wa I'm sure that you'll have the best place in heaven. Don't worry about Cici, I'll be there for her. We miss you.

Thank you so much! It's really remarkable that I'm here to learning what is beautiful of process I've been through. Thank you dear myself because you can survive for another 365 days that takes the strength. I'm sorry to always give you pressure. Good luck for another 366 days in 2020 :):)

Xoxo,

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, by MiMunty

Health Talks

Let's Talk About Mental Health

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, by MiMunty

Poetry

Thank you

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, by MiMunty

Thought

-

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, by MiMunty

Thought

She Was Hurt Behind Her Smile

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, by MiMunty

Thought

I Can’t Tell You I Love You (But I Do) by Alexandria Brown

I look at you as more than what you are to me currently. Because to me you are everything. Everything I’ve ever wanted but mostly because you treat me as though I matter. As if my opinions and everything I want is important to you too. And that’s what love is.

But I can’t tell you I love you.

I can’t tell you that every night before I go to sleep I think about you. I think about you when it’s dead at work and I’m just wishing I’m anywhere else. I think about you when I can’t get through the day without wanting to cry. You are home to me and just hearing your voice reminds me how that feels.

And when people ask me if I’m in love with you I tell them no. Because I don’t want to be the cause of losing you. Even though we mean so much to each other, it doesn’t mean that we need to be together. That’s when the lines of loving someone and being in love with someone are blurred. And my lines with you are so blurry. I can’t even tell you what’s going on in my mind and my heart because I don’t know.

Sometimes we’re meant to meet someone who takes our breath away but not get to be with that person. And it’s unfair. It’s so unfair that we are surrounded by their beauty but we can’t touch them. We can’t tell them how much they mean to us without giving away our secret. We can’t let them know that they’re the last thing we see at night and the first name we breathe as we wake up.

We can learn so much from each other but only if we keep it to the capacity that it’s at. And I’m not fully sure risking everything to tell you my feelings would be the smartest because I don’t feel as though we’re on the same page. And that’s OK. It’s OK to not be exactly at the same moments in life. It’s OK to not feel the same kind of attraction. But let me tell you something, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done to keep my mouth shut about this.

Because I can feel myself breaking. I feel my tongue waiting to betray me. To tell you that I am so completely into you. So completely enamoured by everything you are. And it has nothing to do with outward beauty and everything to do with the gorgeous soul that lies deep within you. And what’s crazy is you don’t see how stunning, how captivating, how incredibly amazing every piece of you is.

So our future looks like this. We keep things the way it is. Because even though I want to love you, I am nowhere near ready too. And while I’m taking my time to get ready to love you, you might meet someone else. You might meet them and love them more than you could ever love me. And they’ll love you just as much. Because you are that person. The person people fall for immediately.

But don’t ever feel sorry for me. Never feel like I’ve lost out because I’ve never gotten to love you in that way. Because the love that I’ve gotten from this is so much better. You have shown me that people like you exist and that makes me fair better off than most.

And if we ever did cross paths as lovers instead of friends, I know that I wouldn’t need anyone else.

You are the ultimate. You would be my ultimate. So maybe we’ll end up together or maybe we won’t but all I know is this; as long as you exist in my world, I’ll be happy. No matter what capacity

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, by MiMunty

Poetry

No More You

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, by MiMunty

Thought

10 Menit Bersamamu

Gue rasa, gue akan selalu ingat hari itu walaupun mungkin lo agak “terpaksa” menemui gue dan gak akan mengingat hari itu secara spesial. Tapi bagi gue, hari itu benar – benar spesial.

Kurang lebih 10 menit kita bertemu. Dari awal lo nunggu gue di depan gedung sampai lo nganter gue ke tangga penyeberangan buat gue naik busway. Iya, cuma sepuluh menit. Namun, itu cukup ngebuat diri gue seneng bukan main. Gimana engga? Terakhir kita ketemu itu di hari terakhir tahun 2015 (which is almost 2 month ago), itupun cuma sebentar. Sebentar banget malah dan gue ngerasa, sekarang itu intensitas kedekatan kita mulai berkurang. Lo mulai narik diri dari gue, gatau kenapa. Mungkin aja karena lo mulai tau kalo gue ada feel sama lo kali ya? Makanya lo ga mau gue makin jatuh hati sama lo, and voila! You start to take a step for keep a distance between us. Tapi telat! Gue rasa gue benar – benar udah suka sama lo. Its been almost 6 month I fall for you, but you didn’t notice or you just pretend like you didn’t notice it? I dont know

Gue kangen lo banget, kangen lo yang dulu. Iyaaa, lo yang dulu bukan yang sekarang. Yang sekarang gue ga kenal siapa. Yang gue kenal itu, lo yang positive thinking, optimistis dan sering nyupport gue. Tapi sekarang, lo berubah 180° dari lo yang gue kenal. Dan sekarang gue ngerasa lo mulai ngejauh dari gue, mulai narik diri dari gue. Walaupun lo bilang, kalo lo memang menarik diri dari semua orang.

Entahlah, lo sulit untuk gue mengerti atau mungkin gue yang memang hanya ingin dimengerti? Sebentar lo buat gue melayang, lalu kemudian lo hempaskan gue kembali. Atau itu gue nya aja yang baper kali ya? hahahaha

Anyway, walaupun mungkin kita gak akan lebih dari teman, gue harap kita bisa tetap dekat seperti awal kenal. Dan semoga selama lo pergi nanti, gue bisa move on dan kita tetap dekat (sering chat bahkan video call) walaupun nantinya lo jauh di eropa sana. Gue gak mau sampai kita lost contact yaa.

Please~

With love,